blue

18 minutes for me to say its 2am in the morning, maybe after this blog post it's 2am in the morning.

you know what's hard is it for me today ? i wanted to convey something my inner thoughts to the person i thought would understand me more. But then he got absurd and he said, "I got too OA" and i am a nuisance. it's a laugh because in my face he slap me, he kicked me, he showed me how stupid i get when i get these tantrums. for a second thought i want to talk to him and tell him he just hurt me emotionally, but whenever i tell him these there is always a fight. I wanna go crazy, i can't let go because of the fact I love him so much that he is important that i came to the point degrading myself. When i tell him this, he'll just think that i mock at him. is it a mock? i just want to convey a feeling in which he will never understand. he'll tell me he loves me that i am his wife but why until now the pain is excruciating the pain is so painful, just once i wanna disappear. let him know my importance.  will he ?

10 minutes to 2am.

there's a point that i wanted to cry it all but i can't because of the promise i give to myself. my inner self for me is crying. but i still kept the fake smile and go on ahead. can love this cruel for me to say enough? Can't he just tell me he doesn't love me and everything is okay? I can accept the fact that people will come and go. i can always anticipate prank than playing safe.

8 minutes to 2am.

i want to shout to my heart's content, how can he tell me that he doesn't need to care but then he still loves me? What crap does he plays? I don't want to play it, it kills. I want to disappear. Just once.

5 minutes to 2am.

i want a break up. Shred my tears. i don't want to be weak.

After few minutes, i snapped into it i will always love him, even though he's perspective is always jerky. i want to die. get amnesia . just to forget the pain i feel today . can't i ?